It's been a while.

Every year I'm back here. I don't know whether its just me, or I get too attached to way too many people. Whoever knows me, knows this one person know. That one, that I've told that if circumstances allowed we'd be together for a very long time.. but no. Not going to happen. Things never work out, and its always a time of year that I'm helpless, unsure of what to do, what I am capable of doing, any of that sort. People always talk about who they hate, why they hate them - well, first things first, the person I hate the most.. is myself. I don't think many people hate themselves more than me. 

You want to talk about narcissists? I'm the opposite. No clue what the word is, but you get me. If you don't know what a narcissist is, google it. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it, but I don't doubt that I will break down soon enough. Have you been sad to a point you think whether anyone would miss you if you died? (from your own doing, you get my drift) I don't think its very healthy for yourself, when you potentially have another 40 years more to go? And you've only done 20. It's always in ratios for me, how long more I have to sustain all this, how long more I can handle it. 

To be frank, I need someone. 

Everyone's busy with their own lives, their own relationships, and many people don't need other people to survive. Well, I do. And I don't take things for granted, ever. So, regret. I can't do anything to try fix this for myself, and she's OBVIOUSLY moved on. You have no clue how hard I'm trying not to swear. I've written more words on this damn thing than I did on my essay I was working on for a bit before, and as hard as I try to now, I can't get it out of my head. You want to be smart and have photographic memory? Be my guest. 

I'm over this. 

Every memory, from day 1 up until now, have haunted me, you say don't hang on to the past and let it go, I say I am incapable of that, yes, incapable. I will always remember how it was like, the feelings (emotions), the physicality, everything. And it stings, stings to the very core of my being. If my heart wasn't already weak, it'd be worse now than ever before - it was perfect, and it has passed. Only but a 9 month phase in my life, and man was it amazing. I want to escape to another dimension, be someone else, be an animal, be anything, anything but me, anything but now. You call for emo music? Well, try listening to house music which is emo - I can't believe I've managed to do even that. I'm not going to go on about how I'm suicidal because evidently, evidently, you can read all that. 

As emotionless as I look, or try to be, I'm not. I'm truly and utterly, not. 

Why? I don't know. 

I just don't know anymore. I want it to leave me be. I'm going home for the weekend back to my parents and siblings, and I don't think it'll help me at all. They love me because I'm in the family, and that's it. My mum's special, but because she's an angel, but I can't talk to her, because I can't bring myself to it. I want to throw it all away, but I can't bring myself to do that either. Your face, god, your face, brings back everything to me, every day, every memory, every outing, every date. Yes, we enjoyed it, but knowing you're with someone else, hurts.

If you haven't gotten my message, pain, is all I feel, it's not just emotions, it's my heart - I don't know if you've felt it before, but it gets weaker with every step. And I don't lie about this.

So, move on? Yes. But to who.