Dear Friend

Hello World,
Actually quite nice to be back in happier times compared to the past few months of general.. diaspora.

But then again I'm here to be sentimental, and of course in it, life changes, distance with friends, all that jazz.

When this holiday started, I thought I had things sorted, my life turning to a path of simply bliss.

But of course that's not allowed to last very long in this world, I've found a few things about myself and decided not to be happy with basically what I can get, rather than what I want.

Having to be able to choose is so much like the freedom of speech which every American loves bragging about, but really, who doesn't fall victim to conformity and all sorts of bullshit that change the way you talk and the way you think, brainwashing.

It's a pity that the New Year has brought good news and very likely, a lot of bad news that affect my personal life more than my career.

Dad's a lot happier these days, I think he's glad that at least one kid's back and learning the trade, happy that he doesn't have to give up his life's work to (no offense) less competent people, more narrow minded and sorts, being Malaysian educated. He's probably realized that I don't want to grow up to be exactly like him, I have my life plans and dreams that I can still hold on to for now - I'll look back in approximately 10 years from now on my 31st birthday and consider what I said I would achieve at this age. 

Checkpoints, but no re-spawning. 

1. Be in a stable relationship that I'm happy with, rather than tolerant with (Thanks Dad for that point).

2. Continue to be interesting in life, bring happiness and colour to the people around you. 

3. Take over Dad's company, and continue building from there, he would be proud of you.

4. By 34, start my development plans - No its name shall not be Casa de Phil-T. 

5. Most importantly to me at this age, keep my closest friends, they've proven to always be there for you.

Talking about friends,

bad news just continues to fly all around. 

It's not often that you hear that 3 of your close friends will not be returning "home" with you (Melbourne), including one that to this point, shows their utmost trust. Trust has been a problem for me all my life with my friends, and I love sharing what I know with people I care about, which is A LOT, because despite hiding all these goddamn feelings like I've trained myself to for much of my life, talking equates to caring about you - depending on the state of my speech.

I'd love if you guys could be able to read this, but so far, its just a diary for my personal thoughts that I share with people in times of need - depression, loneliness, negative emotions really.

This whole diary thing caught me hard, especially because I've been reading Perks of being a Wallflower. Hell of a depressing book, but it shines light on so many issues that I've had growing up. Especially with him growing up funny, but I'm glad to say that I can't blame myself for anyone dying, not that I haven't thought about it.

But God it's depressing to hear that your time with your friends becomes so limited after a single event change of your life. I've told my parents about these 3 people, and although them being good-hearted people who want to help and sort out these problems for them, I'm not meant to know these things about them, except for one. I wish I truly could though, it'd be the world to me if I could keep going with no change to current times, 2012 was an amazing year with you guys, and you should hear this from at least someone.

I will miss the times.

I came to writing all this because my holidays ending in a few weeks, and ever since news has been broken to me, I haven't exactly looked at time as being insufficient.

There are so many plans here that I want to go through with but I'm afraid. 

Afraid that I may create problems with my friends whom I care so much about, but many who do not trust me because I love talking - I've never been able to talk much as kid, and every opportunity I have could be my last. That's as much as you should know.

One person has made to change my thinking drastically over this holidays, but I gather that she has not a single clue that this is occurring. I might talk to her tomorrow about it, I might not, I'm not entirely courageous about talking about my feelings, vulnerability is my weakness.
You know those moments where you wake up and that person's image is the first thing to pop into your head in the mornings? Its one of those.

Love-hate relationship? I think its more of I hate that I love so much - Catholicism you've built your stronghold in me, even if I have sinned.

And I wish I think of a solution that could not possibly compromise what I have going. 

And time is running out.
Damned time.

But as far as I know,

#Apollo
We are the lucky ones.
We truly are.

We've got it easy.

And to one specific person back "home"

I apologise for what I have to do in the future,

There is no means of continuing what we are doing.

And I don't know how to do it without hurting you.

But you are a friend - and I shall love you as one.

Shout-out to you, "her" - whom I shall not name for I fear the worst.

May my opportunity come at a beautiful time,
So I may tell you, 

For what we can build is great,
Or disastrous.

With regards,

Him.

God, set me free.

It took me long while to get here, and to realise, 

but I miss you oh so much. I know this feeling too well, 

and god knows why it always take me this long to get to this point. 

I'm pretty useless right now, being all worried and stressed about something that had been decided.

It's a waste of time, you agree, she agrees, everyone agrees.

But god damn it, I miss you. With all my heart.

And I need help, oh yes I do. Tell me any way, any how, and I will try.

Please, God, anyone? 

Walking away

So, yesterday I was reminded of the superstition where if someone gives you shoes it means they're going to walk out of your life forever. I'm not a believer of the damn bullcrap but so far, its been pretty accurate. 

Ah, world, thou art look enchanting through watery eyes.

Clarity

Cause you are the piece of me,
I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly

Still fight and I don't know why.

If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy
If our love's insanity why are you my clarity.

It's been a while.

Every year I'm back here. I don't know whether its just me, or I get too attached to way too many people. Whoever knows me, knows this one person know. That one, that I've told that if circumstances allowed we'd be together for a very long time.. but no. Not going to happen. Things never work out, and its always a time of year that I'm helpless, unsure of what to do, what I am capable of doing, any of that sort. People always talk about who they hate, why they hate them - well, first things first, the person I hate the most.. is myself. I don't think many people hate themselves more than me. 

You want to talk about narcissists? I'm the opposite. No clue what the word is, but you get me. If you don't know what a narcissist is, google it. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it, but I don't doubt that I will break down soon enough. Have you been sad to a point you think whether anyone would miss you if you died? (from your own doing, you get my drift) I don't think its very healthy for yourself, when you potentially have another 40 years more to go? And you've only done 20. It's always in ratios for me, how long more I have to sustain all this, how long more I can handle it. 

To be frank, I need someone. 

Everyone's busy with their own lives, their own relationships, and many people don't need other people to survive. Well, I do. And I don't take things for granted, ever. So, regret. I can't do anything to try fix this for myself, and she's OBVIOUSLY moved on. You have no clue how hard I'm trying not to swear. I've written more words on this damn thing than I did on my essay I was working on for a bit before, and as hard as I try to now, I can't get it out of my head. You want to be smart and have photographic memory? Be my guest. 

I'm over this. 

Every memory, from day 1 up until now, have haunted me, you say don't hang on to the past and let it go, I say I am incapable of that, yes, incapable. I will always remember how it was like, the feelings (emotions), the physicality, everything. And it stings, stings to the very core of my being. If my heart wasn't already weak, it'd be worse now than ever before - it was perfect, and it has passed. Only but a 9 month phase in my life, and man was it amazing. I want to escape to another dimension, be someone else, be an animal, be anything, anything but me, anything but now. You call for emo music? Well, try listening to house music which is emo - I can't believe I've managed to do even that. I'm not going to go on about how I'm suicidal because evidently, evidently, you can read all that. 

As emotionless as I look, or try to be, I'm not. I'm truly and utterly, not. 

Why? I don't know. 

I just don't know anymore. I want it to leave me be. I'm going home for the weekend back to my parents and siblings, and I don't think it'll help me at all. They love me because I'm in the family, and that's it. My mum's special, but because she's an angel, but I can't talk to her, because I can't bring myself to it. I want to throw it all away, but I can't bring myself to do that either. Your face, god, your face, brings back everything to me, every day, every memory, every outing, every date. Yes, we enjoyed it, but knowing you're with someone else, hurts.

If you haven't gotten my message, pain, is all I feel, it's not just emotions, it's my heart - I don't know if you've felt it before, but it gets weaker with every step. And I don't lie about this.

So, move on? Yes. But to who.

I wish suicide was a lot simpler than it is.

My world is still collapsing around me, my entire being is depressed. And I still can't figure out what to do really. God help me. Someone. Help me.

Depression

So, so far only 1 person knows of my problems. Sandy Thong. A girl who I barely know and I've met maybe 3 times. I cannot confide in my closest friends in fear of judgment. The lack of closure with my problems may lead to the end of me. Blame my attachment to the past. The girl I'm in love with is far away from me while I type this out. I have noone to look up to. My future looks as far as I can see, lonely and full of greed. Even if technology is where I spend most of my time, it only makes my problems worse. It's like talking to a wall. There is no desire to achieve, there is no goal that I want to achieve, and the only thing that matters to me right now, is unachievable.

You know what, I hope I get cancer and die in a week.