Clarity

Cause you are the piece of me,
I wish I didn't need
Chasing relentlessly

Still fight and I don't know why.

If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy
If our love's insanity why are you my clarity.

It's been a while.

Every year I'm back here. I don't know whether its just me, or I get too attached to way too many people. Whoever knows me, knows this one person know. That one, that I've told that if circumstances allowed we'd be together for a very long time.. but no. Not going to happen. Things never work out, and its always a time of year that I'm helpless, unsure of what to do, what I am capable of doing, any of that sort. People always talk about who they hate, why they hate them - well, first things first, the person I hate the most.. is myself. I don't think many people hate themselves more than me. 

You want to talk about narcissists? I'm the opposite. No clue what the word is, but you get me. If you don't know what a narcissist is, google it. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it, but I don't doubt that I will break down soon enough. Have you been sad to a point you think whether anyone would miss you if you died? (from your own doing, you get my drift) I don't think its very healthy for yourself, when you potentially have another 40 years more to go? And you've only done 20. It's always in ratios for me, how long more I have to sustain all this, how long more I can handle it. 

To be frank, I need someone. 

Everyone's busy with their own lives, their own relationships, and many people don't need other people to survive. Well, I do. And I don't take things for granted, ever. So, regret. I can't do anything to try fix this for myself, and she's OBVIOUSLY moved on. You have no clue how hard I'm trying not to swear. I've written more words on this damn thing than I did on my essay I was working on for a bit before, and as hard as I try to now, I can't get it out of my head. You want to be smart and have photographic memory? Be my guest. 

I'm over this. 

Every memory, from day 1 up until now, have haunted me, you say don't hang on to the past and let it go, I say I am incapable of that, yes, incapable. I will always remember how it was like, the feelings (emotions), the physicality, everything. And it stings, stings to the very core of my being. If my heart wasn't already weak, it'd be worse now than ever before - it was perfect, and it has passed. Only but a 9 month phase in my life, and man was it amazing. I want to escape to another dimension, be someone else, be an animal, be anything, anything but me, anything but now. You call for emo music? Well, try listening to house music which is emo - I can't believe I've managed to do even that. I'm not going to go on about how I'm suicidal because evidently, evidently, you can read all that. 

As emotionless as I look, or try to be, I'm not. I'm truly and utterly, not. 

Why? I don't know. 

I just don't know anymore. I want it to leave me be. I'm going home for the weekend back to my parents and siblings, and I don't think it'll help me at all. They love me because I'm in the family, and that's it. My mum's special, but because she's an angel, but I can't talk to her, because I can't bring myself to it. I want to throw it all away, but I can't bring myself to do that either. Your face, god, your face, brings back everything to me, every day, every memory, every outing, every date. Yes, we enjoyed it, but knowing you're with someone else, hurts.

If you haven't gotten my message, pain, is all I feel, it's not just emotions, it's my heart - I don't know if you've felt it before, but it gets weaker with every step. And I don't lie about this.

So, move on? Yes. But to who.

I wish suicide was a lot simpler than it is.

My world is still collapsing around me, my entire being is depressed. And I still can't figure out what to do really. God help me. Someone. Help me.

Depression

So, so far only 1 person knows of my problems. Sandy Thong. A girl who I barely know and I've met maybe 3 times. I cannot confide in my closest friends in fear of judgment. The lack of closure with my problems may lead to the end of me. Blame my attachment to the past. The girl I'm in love with is far away from me while I type this out. I have noone to look up to. My future looks as far as I can see, lonely and full of greed. Even if technology is where I spend most of my time, it only makes my problems worse. It's like talking to a wall. There is no desire to achieve, there is no goal that I want to achieve, and the only thing that matters to me right now, is unachievable.

You know what, I hope I get cancer and die in a week.

Say It all. Right here.

I'm a fucking useless person, I swear.

Who gets a girlfriend and doesn't travel that one hour to go see her every week or so, doesn't call her every couple of days or so, and doesn't keep in touch. A fucking useless one.

Who applies for uni, skips majority of the classes, gives up when everything else fails, and just hopes it'll be alright after that. A fucking useless student.

Who spends a parent's money without thinking, just hoping that they'll be alright at home, with hardly any communication with them despite their many many emails checking on you, will spend the money to take you to Spain, but you don't tell them you withdrew from a subject, costing even more money. A fucking useless kid.

Why am I even here.

The Dog.

There are no fairytale endings in a modern day world, there is no happily ever after, because ever after only leads to more - and you know how it goes on, another dumbfuck appears out of nowhere and tries screwing you over. So here's a story that is definitely more likely to happen in our awesome world out there.

The dog limps out of the alleyway, a teardrop welled up in his eyes, as he stumbles onto the pavement. As much as a dog can regret, he regrets leaving his home - a home, the singular place in the world you feel safe no matter what - and in today's world, how often is it you find someone who has a true home, you find divorced families, and too many dumb bitches who undergo teenage pregnancy and get left to strive for themselves, but anyway, the dog, he leaves his home, pissed off about the few misunderstandings that go around his home, the only thing going through his head - abuse, mistreatment and revenge. As the dog slowly crawls his way out of the alleyway, he tries to find a place to lay his head, only to find that no one else would accept this damn dog - injured, sad and probably infectious. So what does he do? He continues walking down to sleep under the bridge. Yes, a bridge, how cliche. The only difference is, when he reaches this area under the bridge, he finds that his sight is gone. The dumb dog is now blind - although, you could say he was already blind, from the day he didn't realise the miraculousness before him, a family, happiness and a home. As he drops to the floor under the bridge - what else could he do, he's blind - and waits for a miracle to happen, like a fairy is just going to appear out of the fucking river to save his sorry ass. Oh, but surprise surprise, NOTHING HAPPENS. As he attempts to get back up, to try to reap any little bit of hope he has left, the dog, he falls into the river of despair. Not just any river, possibly worse than the Yarra to a multiple of billion. While in the river, the negativity within his mind bursts forward - the flash before your death? no. all you see is that regret you weren't able to accomplish what you wanted, you didn't keep what you had, you didn't REALISE WHAT THE FUCK WAS BEFORE YOU THAT WAS UTTERLY BRILLIANT. The dog lands in a vortex of loneliness at this point, disabled. His measly yelp for help is unheard, as no one is around, no one can understand him, and at this point - the only thing left for him to do, a teardrop wells up in his eye once more.

So the dog could be any dickhead in the world, who loses what he has, who ditches what was good, and regret half a day later. Who hasn't that happened to I wonder.

So you know what, just don't try, if you don't love you don't get hurt, if you don't aim, you can't fail. If you don't see, you can't lose your sight. You get my point.

All I have left to say is, thanks guys. Thanks.

Uni life sucks.

I need help. My world is just collapsing around me. The End.

Up to a point I can't talk to anyone due to my lack of connection to anyone proper. How fucking awesome.

Good night world.